You are a busy person. You have to drop the kids off at soccer practice, cook dinner, and still manage to find the time to watch 6 hours of TV. I’ve created this handy list that will improve the two most important aspects of your life, your sex and your blog, in less than 5 minutes.
1. Use numbered lists.
People are impatient. They want to know when they can stop reading this and look at a slideshow of 50 celebrities without makeup. Using a numbered list soothes the reader by letting them know that they won’t have to read too much.
When making a list, pick a number with social significance. Fourteen will not do. Here are some of my favorite numbers for lists: 3 — three periods of hockey (for Canadian audiences only), 4 — four horsemen of the Apocalypse (Evangelical audiences only), 10 — the number of seconds to be bad before your mom finishes counting.
2. Use your sexual partner’s name.
Calling your sexual partner by their name has a number of advantages. It gives you something to say if you are not proficient in “dirty talk.” It proves that you know their name. It provides cover if you are thinking about someone else.
It is generally a bad idea to call your partner by a name other than their own (the exception being role play).
3. Only orgasm after a sufficient length of time has past.
Premature orgasm can leave you in a real sticky situation. People always come up to me on the street and ask me, “Ryan, when its comes to orgams, how soon is too soon?” I answer, “Great question. It depends. How much are you looking to accomplish later in the day? Do you need to catch up on your sleep? Do you love your partner or are you in love with your partner?”
But that’s not the real answer because I would never share my expertise with strangers. The real answer is that orgasm in 3 minutes and 41 seconds or less is too soon. If they can’t get off in that time, its on them. If you fail, no big deal. Just dry up the tears and try again.
4. Think of a catchy title.
A blog title needs to do 2 things: draw in readers who see the title and draw in search traffic. Take the title of this post for instance. The reader is immediately curious. What life-improving insight does this blog have in store? What do these topics have to do with each other? How many tips will there be? You must click and read for the mere chance of knowing.
On the search front, search engines will bring traffic that is looking for either sex or blogging tips. They call that “double dipping” in the catering business.
5. Stay awake.
9 out of 10 dentists prefer having sex with someone who is awake.
6. Promote your blog with social media.
Did you know that more lives are lost on Facebook than all the wars in the history of the world combined? Why should these lives be lost to someone else’s benefit? Shamelessly self-promote your writing on Facebook and other social networks. Post one article several times a day. Notify friends to like your Facebook page. Invite friends to your events even when they live on the other side of the world. If they don’t de-friend you, then they are asking for it.
7. Surprise your partner.
While your partner is sleeping, stand over him/her and bang a pot with a spoon. Now, they will be awake, alert, and ripe for seduction. If you do this regularly. your partner will be aroused whenever they hear pots banging through the magic of Pavlovian conditioning.
8. Pay attention
People give clues as to what they want. Think about who you’re trying to attract and what they like. Study their behavior — where they go, what they read, and what’s on their browser history.
9. Pretty pictures
Take a super-cute picture like this one and just wait for the hits to start rolling in.
10. Confirm what people already think
The internet is full of websites. Some of these websites will tell you that the pope is the antichrist, the moon is hologram, and Mitt Romney is likable guy. People who already believe these things will go to these websites. Find an audience that shares a point of view and violently support their preconceptions. If you present a novel or controversial viewpoint, you are sure to toil in internet obscurity.
The smell of freshly-dyed cowhide plastered to sweaty skin is sure to entice traffic to any website.