3 to 10 Ways to Improve Your Sex Life and Increase Your Blog’s Traffic

You are a busy per­son. You have to drop the kids off at soc­cer prac­tice, cook din­ner, and still man­age to find the time to watch 6 hours of TV. I’ve cre­ated this handy list that will improve the two most impor­tant aspects of your life, your sex and your blog, in less than 5 minutes.

1. Use num­bered lists.

Peo­ple are impa­tient. They want to know when they can stop read­ing this and look at a slideshow of 50 celebri­ties with­out makeup. Using a num­bered list soothes the reader by let­ting them know that they won’t have to read too much.

When mak­ing a list, pick a num­ber with social sig­nif­i­cance. Four­teen will not do. Here are some of my favorite num­bers for lists: 3 — three peri­ods of hockey (for Cana­dian audi­ences only), 4 — four horse­men of the Apoc­a­lypse (Evan­gel­i­cal audi­ences only), 10 — the num­ber of sec­onds to be bad before your mom fin­ishes counting.

2. Use your sex­ual partner’s name.

Call­ing your sex­ual part­ner by their name has a num­ber of advan­tages. It gives you some­thing to say if you are not pro­fi­cient in “dirty talk.” It proves that you know their name. It pro­vides cover if you are think­ing about some­one else.

It is gen­er­ally a bad idea to call your part­ner by a name other than their own (the excep­tion being role play).

3. Only orgasm after a suf­fi­cient length of time has past.

Pre­ma­ture orgasm can leave you in a real sticky sit­u­a­tion. Peo­ple always come up to me on the street and ask me, “Ryan, when its comes to orgams, how soon is too soon?” I answer, “Great ques­tion. It depends. How much are you look­ing to accom­plish later in the day? Do you need to catch up on your sleep? Do you love your part­ner or are you in love with your partner?”

But that’s not the real answer because I would never share my exper­tise with strangers. The real answer is that orgasm in 3 min­utes and 41 sec­onds or less is too soon. If they can’t get off in that time, its on them. If you fail, no big deal. Just dry up the tears and try again.

4. Think of a catchy title.

A blog title needs to do 2 things: draw in read­ers who see the title and draw in search traf­fic. Take the title of this post for instance. The reader is imme­di­ately curi­ous. What life-improving insight does this blog have in store? What do these top­ics have to do with each other? How many tips will there be? You must click and read for the mere chance of knowing.

On the search front, search engines will bring traf­fic that is look­ing for either sex or blog­ging tips. They call that “dou­ble dip­ping” in the cater­ing business.

5. Stay awake.

9 out of 10 den­tists pre­fer hav­ing sex with some­one who is awake.

6. Pro­mote your blog with social media.

Did you know that more lives are lost on Face­book than all the wars in the his­tory of the world com­bined? Why should these lives be lost to some­one else’s ben­e­fit? Shame­lessly self-promote your writ­ing on Face­book and other social net­works. Post one arti­cle sev­eral times a day. Notify friends to like your Face­book page. Invite friends to your events even when they live on the other side of the world. If they don’t de-friend you, then they are ask­ing for it.

7. Sur­prise your partner.

While your part­ner is sleep­ing, stand over him/her and bang a pot with a spoon. Now, they will be awake, alert, and ripe for seduc­tion. If you do this reg­u­larly. your part­ner will be aroused when­ever they hear pots bang­ing through the magic of Pavlov­ian con­di­tion­ing.

8. Pay attention

Peo­ple give clues as to what they want. Think about who you’re try­ing to attract and what they like. Study their behav­ior — where they go, what they read, and what’s on their browser history.

9. Pretty pictures

This is the cutest ani­mal of all-time, the East Asian, Long-haired Kittibabe.

Take a super-cute pic­ture like this one and just wait for the hits to start rolling in.

10. Con­firm what peo­ple already think

The inter­net is full of web­sites. Some of these web­sites will tell you that the pope is the antichrist, the moon is holo­gram, and Mitt Rom­ney is lik­able guy. Peo­ple who already believe these things will go to these web­sites. Find an audi­ence that shares a point of view and vio­lently sup­port their pre­con­cep­tions. If you present a novel or con­tro­ver­sial view­point, you are sure to toil in inter­net obscurity.

***Bonus num­ber!!!***
23. Leather

The smell of freshly-dyed cowhide plas­tered to sweaty skin is sure to entice traf­fic to any website.

  • http://www.joshuaraley.com Joshua

    Bravo, get the pub­lish­ers ready! I smell the begin­nings of a best-seller.

    • http://nouveausouth.org Ryan Michael Murphy

      How did you hear about my forth­com­ing book, 10 Highly Effec­tive Ways in Win Friends and Win Back the Amer­ica We Love?

  • http://twitter.com/Jessicaology Jes­sica Lee (@Jessicaology)

    Loved this post! Glad I dis­cov­ered your blog.